I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Basically a lot of self-reflection. I struggle with self-confidence. That's not something I like to admit, but it's the truth. I went to one of the best high schools in the state which had it's benefits and disadvantages. I got a great education there, but I'm a competitive person, and I never felt I was best at anything. By no means do I think I'm stupid. Funny thing is, sometimes I think my sisters see me as the perfect child and that's just crap. Trying to be the perfect child is hard, impossible actually. You will always fail if you're trying to be perfect. Perfection doesn't exist other than in God. I know that, but I still struggle because I'm afraid of failure and disappointment. I had a deep discussion with one of my best friends recently that helped me realize a lot about myself. One of my biggest issues is that I live in fear. Fear of not being able to be myself, that I cannot be myself, that I am me, and fear of disappointing people with who I am. I'm sick of living in fear. I was never the girl who had a million friends. I've always been cautious with my friends, afraid to correct them and call them out on things, because I'm afraid of losing them. I'm realizing now that that's no way to go through life. My true friends will still be my friends no matter what. I'm learning that it's ok to tell people if I feel like they're mistreating me and using me as a backup best friend like has happened so many times throughout my life. To quote my friend, "If they get mad, tell them it's true and it's not acceptable, and if necessary yell, and if they leave you, then they aren't a real friend." This is hard for me. I've never been a confrontational person, but I'm tired of being that awkward, unsure, walked over girl. I'm tired of being shy, and unsure, and misunderstood. I don't want to be seen as awkward. I want people to be able to see the real me. I started gaining some confidence last spring when I went on Mission Arlington. It finally clicked in me one day that everyone around me struggles too, and they're just people like me, so I don't need to worry so much about what others think. The take charge, be a leader, thing has been new for me, and I've been doing fairly well with it, but it's when the really difficult times come that I tend to revert back to shy, quiet, unsure, awkward, Allison. Well, it's time for that to change. My friends deserve to see the real me. I'm tired of believing people when they tell me I can't do something. Being told I can't do something is hard for me because I do tend to believe it because like I said earlier, I've never felt like I was best at anything. But who's to tell me I can't do something. Who cares if it's not in my personality to do something. I'm letting Satan get a hold on me if I believe that. That's putting God in a box to say oh you have such and such personality so you can't do something like that. You're not good enough. It's not going to be easy for me to get past people's criticism, but I'm working on it. I thrive on encouragement, so cutting remarks sit deep with me. I was recently asked if the pain of losing is worth the fight? This was on a completely different subject matter than what I'm discussing, but I think it can relate. My answer was that you're certainly not going to win if you don't fight, so I'd say yes, otherwise you're still losing if you don't fight. Well, if I don't fight for who I am then I'm losing one way or another. I need to take my own advice. So be prepared...I'm going to work on my self-confidence and enter the "fight" because if I don't then I have no chance of winning and showing people who I am.
Another friend of mine recently sent me a text that simply said "Ephesians 3:14-21," so out of curiosity, I looked up the passage. Here's what it said:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
The part that really jumped out at me was where it said, "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being..." Being strengthened with power through his Spirit in my inner being is exactly what I'm seeking right now. This verse couldn't have come at a better time. Another verse that has stood out lately for me is 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Pray that I will be able to live out this verse. I don't want to live in a spirit of fear and timidity any longer. Pray that I will have confidence to show people who I really am. I am so incredibly thankful for my friends. I have some of the best friends whom I love and I want them to be able to truly see who I am. I want to be the woman God made me to be.